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Tuesday, December 20, 2011

My Thanks to Most of You

My Thanks to Most of You
As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your
educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every drink can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car, so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda
, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 25 cent coin dropped
in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. 
LOVE YOU ALL AND GOD BLESS