My Thanks to Most of You

My Thanks to Most of You

As we progress through to the end of 2011, I want to thank you for your
educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have
little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let
the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the
bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has
happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the
number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine
how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of
a public toilet.

I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS for the email about rat poo in the glue on
envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that
needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every drink can I open for the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up in a bathtub full
of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant
freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water
buffalo on a hot day.

THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward
an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove
toilet stains.

I no longer buy petrol without taking someone along to watch the car, so a
serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven
different types of cancer.

AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave
anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle
infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
perfume sample and rob me.

And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda
, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake
could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my
butt.

AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a 25 cent coin dropped
in the parking lot because it was probably placed there by a sex molester
waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin
Spider and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70
minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m.
tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually
happened to a friend of my next door neighbour's ex mother-in-law's second
husband's cousin's best friend's beautician . .

P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by
e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet. 

LOVE YOU ALL AND GOD BLESS

Refrigerator's Messages

Actual answering machine messages recorded and verified by the World famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers: 

1.) My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished washing dishes. 

2.) A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message. 

3.) Hi, this is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 

4.) Hi. Now you say something. 

5.) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep. 

6.) Hello. I am David's answering machine. What are you? 

7.) Hello! If you leave a message, I"ll call you soon. If you leave a sexy message, I'll call sooner. 

8.) Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator.... Please speak very slowly while I write down the message and I'll stick it to myself with one of these magnets. 

9.) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a hot tub and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you. 

10.) This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call. 

11.) Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave a message and if I don't call back, it's you. 

12.) Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message and then wait by your phone until I call you back. 

13.) If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message. 

14.) Hello, you've reached Jim and Carol. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Carol likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

SBI Branch in Ranchi :D

Choice

Choosing the right profession.

It happens only in India.

 

Most 'First Class' students get technical seats, some become Doctors and some Engineers.   * The 'Second Class' pass, and then pass MBA, become Administrators and control the 'First Class'.  * The 'Third Class' pass, enter politics and become Ministers and control both.  * Last, but not the least, The 'Failures' join the underworld and control all the above.  And those who do not attend any school become Swamis and Gurus and everyone goes to them.

Going bananas...

A professor at CCNY for a physiological psych class told his class about bananas. He said the expression 'going bananas' is from the effects of bananas on the brain. Read on:   Never, put your banana in the refrigerator!!! This is interesting. After reading this, you'll never look at a banana in the same way again. Bananas contain three natural sugars - sucrose, fructose and glucose combined with fiber. A banana gives an instant, sustained and substantial boost of energy. Research has proven that just two bananas provide enough energy for a strenuous 90-minute workout. No wonder the banana is the number one fruit with the world's leading athletes. But energy isn't the only way a banana can help us keep fit. It can also help overcome or prevent a substantial number of illnesses and conditions, making it a must to add to our daily diet. Depression: According to a recent survey undertaken by MIND amongst people suffering from depression, many felt much better after eating a banana. This is because bananas contain tryptophan, a type of protein that the body converts into serotonin, known to make you relax, improve your mood and generally make you feel happier.  PMS: Forget the pills - eat a banana. The vitamin B6 it contains regulates blood glucose levels, which can affect your mood. Anemia : High in iron, bananas can stimulate the production of hemoglobin in the blood and so helps in cases of anemia. Blood Pressure: This unique tropical fruit is extremely high in potassium yet low in salt, making it perfect to beat blood pressure. So much so, the US Food and Drug Administration has just allowed the banana industry to make official claims for the fruit's ability to reduce the risk of blood pressure and stroke. Brain Power: 200 students at a Twickenham (Middlesex) school ( England ) were helped through their exams this year by eating bananas at breakfast, break, and lunch in a bid to boost their brain power. Research has shown that the potassium-packed fruit can assist learning by making pupils more alert. Constipation: High in fiber, including bananas in the diet can help restore normal bowel action, helping to overcome the problem without resorting to laxatives.  Hangovers: One of the quickest ways of curing a hangover is to make a banana milkshake, sweetened with honey.. The banana calms the stomach and, with the help of the honey, builds up depleted blood sugar levels, while the milk soothes and re-hydrates your system. Heartburn: Bananas have a natural antacid effect in the body, so if you suffer from heartburn, try eating a banana for soothing relief. Morning Sickness: Snacking on bananas between meals helps to keep blood sugar levels up and avoid morning sickness. Mosquito bites: Before reaching for the insect bite cream, try rubbing the affected area with the inside of a banana skin. Many people find it amazingly successful at reducing swelling and irritation. Nerves: Bananas are high in B vitamins that help calm the nervous system..   Overweight and at work? Studies at the Institute of Psychology in Austria found pressure at work leads to gorging on comfort food like chocolate and chips. Looking at 5,000 hospital patients, researchers found the most obese were more likely to be in high-pressure jobs. The report concluded that, to avoid panic-induced food cravings, we need to control our blood sugar levels by snacking on high carbohydrate foods every two hours to keep levels steady.  Ulcers:Â The banana is used as the dietary food against intestinal disorders because of its soft texture and smoothness. It is the only raw fruit that can be eaten without distress in over-chronicler cases. It also neutralizes over-acidity and reduces irritation by coating the lining of the stomach. Temperature control: Many other cultures see bananas as a 'cooling' fruit that can lower both the physical and emotional temperature of expectant mothers. In Thailand , for example, pregnant women eat bananas to ensure their baby is born with a cool temperature.   Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD): Bananas can help SAD sufferers because they contain the natural mood enhancer tryptophan. Smoking &Tobacco Use: Bananas can also help people trying to give up smoking. The B6, B12 they contain, as well as the potassium and magnesium found in them, help the body recover from the effects of nicotine withdrawal. Stress: Potassium is a vital mineral, which helps normalize the heartbeat, sends oxygen to the brain and regulates your body's water balance. When we are stressed, our metabolic rate rises, thereby reducing our potassium levels. These can be rebalanced with the help of a high-potassium banana snack. Strokes: According to research in The New England Journal of Medicine, eating bananas as part of a regular diet can cut the risk of death by strokes by as much as 40%! Warts: Those keen on natural alternatives swear that if you want to kill off a wart, take a piece of banana skin and place it on the wart, with the yellow side out. Carefully hold the skin in place with a plaster or surgical tape! So, a banana really is a natural remedy for many ills. When you compare it to an apple, it has four times the protein, twice the carbohydrate, three times the phosphorus, five times the vitamin A and iron, and twice the other vitamins and minerals. It is also rich in potassium and is one of the best value foods around So maybe its time to change that well-known phrase so that we say, 'A banana a day keeps the doctor away!' PASS IT ON TO YOUR FRIENDS PS: Bananas must be the reason monkeys are so happy all the time! I will add one here; want a quick shine on our shoes?? Take the INSIDE of the banana skin, and rub directly on the shoe...polish with dry cloth. Amazing fruit !!!

Funny signs to give you a laugh

     My personal favorite                               Â

Want to go to Heaven.....

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates
when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling  screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter,
'It's only someone  having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter,
'She's just having her head  drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,'says St. Peter.
'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so, says the  old lady, but I've already got the holes for that.'