Happy to Help - Vodaphone

Fwd: Black Testicles

Clean Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical  procedure.

 A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
' Nurse', he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir.. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worryabout his testicles,

she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, 'There's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely.....
 

 

.......

........

 

.........

.........
 
      
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - ba c k ? '

Assorted one Liners

 

 

"U love someone
U marry someone else.

The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband

And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id"

---------------

There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.

There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbour has it.

---------------

Three dreams of a man:

To be as handsome as his mother thinks.

To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...

---------------

Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife
the kidney.

If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver
manages with other kidney.

---------------

Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne
denge.

---------------

What's the diff between Dava & Daru?

Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and

Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.

---------------

Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?

Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.

 

 

Fwd: A real story - WONDERFUL MESSAGE

A real story... A conversation between a soldier and a software engineer in the Shatabdi Express.........

Vivek Pradhan was not a happy man. Even the plush comfort of the air-conditioned compartment of the Shatabdi express could not cool his frayed nerves. He was the Project Manager and still not entitled to air travel. It was not the prestige he sought, he had tried to reason with the admin person, it was the savings in time. As PM, he had so many things to do!! He opened his case and took out the laptop, determined to put the time to some good use.

'Are you from the software industry sir,' the man beside him was staring appreciatively at the laptop. Vivek glanced briefly and mumbled in affirmation, handling the laptop now with exaggerated care and importance as if it were an expensive car.

'You people have brought so much advancement to the country, Sir. Today everything is getting computerized.'

'Thanks,' smiled Vivek, turning around to give the man a look. He always found it difficult to resist appreciation. The man was young and stockily built like a sportsman. He looked simple and strangely out of place in that little lap of luxury like a small town boy in a prep school. He probably was a railway sportsman making the most of his free traveling pass.

'You people always amaze me,' the man continued, 'You sit in an office and write something on a computer and it does so many big things outside.'

Vivek smiled deprecatingly. Naiveness demanded reasoning not anger. 'It is not as simple as that my friend. It is not just a question of writing a few lines. There is a lot of process that goes behind it.'

For a moment, he was tempted to  explain the entire Software Development Lifecycle but restrained himself
to a single statement. 'It is complex, very complex.'

'It has tobe. No wonder you people are so highly paid,' came the reply.

This was not turning out as Vivek had thought. A hint of belligerence crept into his so far affable, persuasive tone. '

Everyone just sees the money. No one sees the amount of hard work we have to put in. Indians have such a narrow concept of hard work. Just because we sit in an air-conditioned office, does not mean our brows do not sweat. You exercise
the muscle; we exercise the mind and believe me that is no less taxing.'


He could see, he had the man where he wanted, and it was time to drive home the point.

'Let me give you an example. Take this train. The entire railway reservation system is computerized. You can book a train ticket between any two stations from any of the hundreds of computerized booking centres across the country.

Thousands of transactions accessing a single database, at a time concurrently; data integrity, locking, data security. Do you understand the complexity in designing and coding such a system?'

The man was awestuck; quite like a child at a planetarium. This was something big and beyond his imagination.

'You design and code such things.' 'I used to,' Vivek paused for effect, 'but now I am the Project Manager.'

'Oh!' sighed the man, as if the storm had passed over, 'so your life is easy now.'

This was like the last straw for Vivek. He retorted, 'Oh come on, does life ever get easy as you go up the ladder. Responsibility only brings more work.

Design and coding! That is the easier part. Now I do not do it, but I am responsible for it and believe me, that is far more stressful. My job is to get the work done in time and with the highest quality.

To tell you about the pressures, there is the customer at one end, always changing his requirements, the user at the other, wanting something else, and your boss, always expecting you to have finished it yesterday.'

Vivek paused in his diatribe, his belligerence fading with self-realisation. What he had said, was not merely the outburst of a wronged man, it was the truth. And one need not get angry while defending the truth.


'My friend,' he concluded triumphantly, 'you don't know what it is to be in the Line of Fire'.


The man sat back in his chair, his eyes closed as if in realization. When he spoke after sometime,it was with a calm certainty that surprised Vivek.

'I know sir,..... I know what it is to be in the Line of Fire.......'
He was staring blankly, as if no passenger, no train existed, just a vast expanse of time.
'There were 30 of us when we were ordered to capture Point 4875 in the cover of the night.


The enemy was firing  from the top.

There was no knowing where the next bullet was going to come from and for whom.


In the morning when we finally hoisted the tricolour at the top only 4 of us were alive.'


'You are a...?'


'I am Subedar Sushant from the 13 J&K Rifles on duty at Peak 4875 in Kargil. They tell me I have completed my term and can opt for a soft assignment.

But, tell me sir, can one give up duty just because it makes life easier.

On the dawn of that capture, one of my colleagues lay injured in the snow, open to enemy fire while we were hiding behind a bunker.

It was my job to go and fetch that soldier to safety. But my captain sahib refused me permission and went ahead himself.

He said that the first pledge he had taken as a Gentleman Cadet was to put the safety and welfare of the nation foremost followed by the safety and welfare of the men he commanded... ....his own personal safety came last, always and every time.'

'He was killed as he shielded and brought that injured soldier into the bunker. Every morning thereafter, as we stood guard,I could see him taking all those bullets, which were actually meant for me . I know sir....I know, what it is to be in the Line of Fire.'

Vivek looked at him in disbelief not sure of how to respond. Abruptly, he switched off the laptop.

It seemed trivial, even insulting to edit a Word document in the presence of a man for whom valour and duty was a daily part of life; valour and sense of duty which he had so far attributed only to epical heroes.

The train slowed down as it pulled into the station, and Subedar Sushant picked up his bags to alight.

'It was nice meeting you sir.'

Vivek fumbled with the handshake.

This hand... had climbed mountains, pressed the trigger, and hoisted the tricolour. Suddenly, as if by impulse, he stood up at attention and his right hand went up in an impromptu salute.

It was the least he felt he could do for the country.


PS:
The incident he narrated during the capture of Peak 4875 is a true-life incident during the Kargil war. Capt. Batra sacrificed his life while trying to save one of the men he commanded, as victory was within sight.
For this and various other acts of bravery, he was awarded the Param Vir Chakra, the nation's highest military award.

Live humbly, there are great people around us, let us learn!


Winners are ......
too busy to be sad,
too positive to be doubtful,
too optimistic to be fearful and
too determined to be defeated

Fwd: Why?

Ever wonder??  

Why only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of
the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

Why only in America.....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?

Why only in America.....do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?

Why only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and
put our useless junk in the garage?

Why only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight?

Why only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering?

.....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?



Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and
send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other
words, send it to everyone. We all need to smile every once in a while.

 

Fwd: The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

The Vanilla Pudding Robbery

Excerpted from an article which appeared in The Dublin Times about a bank robbery on 2^nd March

 

 

…Once inside the bank, shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the security system got underway immediately.
 
The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see instead, hundreds of smaller safes throughout the bank.
 
The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found only a small bowl of vanilla pudding.
 
As recorded on the bank's audio tape system, one robber said, 'At least we'll have a bite to eat.'
 
The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding.
 
The process continued until all safes were opened.
 
They did not find one pound sterling, diamond, or ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered little bowls of pudding.
 
Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.
 
The newspaper headlines read: IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING

Fwd: Miscommunication

A wife mentioned to her husband that for her birthday,  she would like something that accelerates from 0 to 100 in four seconds.
She was expecting something like this............

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

But her husband presented her with something very different...

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

 .

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The husband is in a critical but stable condition in ICU! __